We've been so busy lately, but I promised my readers this post, so here it is.
"Parents' Guidelines"
Derek and I have some rules that we follow as parents.
1. A promise must always be kept--even to our own hurt (Psalm 15:4b). Keeping one's word is of utmost importance.We try to say, "If we can we will...." Or, "If you remind us before bedtime and we are able, we will...." For me personally, I like to keep plans a secret and spring the "surprise" on the children. Instead of saying, tomorrow we are going swimming/to the park/to have a picnic...I wait to see that we are all well, that it's not raining, and then I give a "Who wants to go to the zoo/beach/park today?!" I love to hear the cheers that follow.
However, this applies to punishments as well. Therefore, we are careful about punishments--to ensure they do not hurt or affect others, that they are truly doable in the moment, and that we will definitely follow through. In other words, we are careful that one child's punishment doesn't affect another child. (Like parents who threaten to leave the zoo/park/store/theater if the child's actions don't change. That would hurt or affect others.)
2. When giving chores or cleaning assignments, we give small tasks. Doable tasks. For instance, if the living room is a terrible mess from a huge fort that was built, we might say, "Ok, take all the clips off the sheets and blankets and put them away." One task. After that is done, we might say, "Good job! Now put all the animals back to your rooms." One thing to concentrate on at a time, rather than, "Clean the living room."
Derek and I often say to each other, "Inch by inch, it's a cinch; yard by yard it's very hard." We look for the "inch" and then praise the effort that was put into the effort.
In addition, we love Mary Poppin's "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down". We use it often. This might look like, "After you make your beds and brush your teeth, we'll read any library book you choose." Parents know what "sugar" will help their children learn structure and discipline.
But sometimes, it is literally sugar; like yesterday, when we went for vaccinations. After the children were finished they were rewarded with a trip to the candy counter at a store to buy something special. They forgot the pain and concentrated on the candy. J
3. We try to say "yes" as much as possible. Even if we can't do everything they'd like. For instance (and this just recently happened): Cherish asked me, "Can you play dolls with me?", but I knew I had to start dinner, so I said, "I'd like to play dolls with you, so please remind me as soon as dinner is over and the kitchen is cleaned up." Amazingly, I received help in the kitchen during clean-up from one little girl. J
4. "Do not exasperate". We touched on this in the last post, so that's all I'll say about this guideline for now.
5. We do not compare the children to one another. This is bigger than it might seem. (Our social worker pointed us to Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish before we adopted Andrew, and in the first two chapters, I saw what I had already begun doing wrong.) I was saying, "Cherish, because you are about to be a big sister, you should try to learn to ____." Nope. I put a stop to that. Instead of saying: "Because you are a big sister, you should be ____", we now say, "Because you are six-years-old, you should be ____." "Andrew, because you are three-years-old, lets try____." We do not say things like, "Why don't you like peas? Your brother likes them." Or, "Andrew, look how Cherish makes her bed so pretty! Can you try to make yours just as nice?" Nope. It's not about the other sibling. It's about the person being spoken to. We make it a point not set the children up to begin comparing each other--causing sibling rivalry. They are not in competition with one another.
We've learned that comparing children will drive them away from each other. Instead, we try to help them see the good and the positive in each other. We try to praise them a lot. In front of each other! (We now get to hear the same talk coming out of their mouths. J)
6. I submit to Derek as the leader of our family (Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18). Derek always asks my opinions time and time again, but the final say is his. Period.
Our pastor says, "Submission is not submission if you agree. That's called agreeing. Submission is when you disagree." It can be hard. But, peace comes through the process of leaving things in hubby's hands and trusting in a God Who is completely sovereign and good.
Submission of the wife to the husband is God's plan, and He will work things our for the good when His children follow His design for marriage.
The next post in this series will be the final one....
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