Full heart

Yesterday afternoon we all walked along a very busy pedestrian street. The street was lined with lots and lots of stores and drew an enormous amount of people.

Derek pushed the two boys in our double stroller, and I walked along holding Cherish and Hope's hands. We were a sight. It was obvious.

As we were being stared at, we simply smiled and nodded our heads in a gesture of kindness.

But, perhaps we were "too much".

The gawking and pointing began. If Derek would stop to look at something, a crowd would surround us, and the people would look very unhappy as they would point from the children to Derek and me. The people would shake their heads "no".

Hundreds of stares. Hundreds of heads shaking in disapproval.

And, Derek and I understood. Our hearts ached with sorrow for the people.

The struggle and pain was/is so real. We could comprehend what they must have been thinking and feeling.

But, there was someone who was not "OK" with it. Several times when Derek would stop to look at something, Cherish would turn to me and give me a full body embrace while gently wailing "Mommy!" She would bury her face in my shoulder, put her arms around my waist, and embrace me tightly chest to chest. "Mommy! Mommy!" would be her longing cry.

And, my heart would sink for her--for the pain she felt, and swell for her--for having been chosen by her.

In her public display of love, she was literally turning her back on those who looked like her, and she was choosing me with everything she had.

Caught.

She was caught between two worlds, and she was choosing the one we had offered to her.

And, my heart was full.

Full of love for my daughter.
Full of pain for those who had lost children.
Full of pain for what Cherish had and was experiencing.
Full of an overwhelming sense of grace that I was completely and unconditionally chosen and loved.

And, then we would continue walking silently, arm in arm. As one. Family. Mother and daughter. Completely in love.